Welcome to Sixth Grade Art.

Fingerpainting is over, kids.

Ha. Seriously, though, forget fingerpainting. Also that slop you made with macaroni and glue. Not in Mr. Fenster’s class you don’t! You’re in middle school now, gang. It’s time to Get Serious.

   

I used to start with painting, but now we’ll start with a little activity I call color-by-numbers. Crayons are in that plastic sack. Cindy, will you pass around these coloring sheets?

No, this isn’t a famous painting on the sheet. Or even a real painting. Or anything a painter would ever want to do. You’re not ready for real stuff yet. Just color in this fake model now, and later you can try something real.

After you pass the quizzes on brush types. And complete the worksheets on color mixing.

Did I say worksheets? Whoops. I meant workbooks.

Oh, come on, kids. Don’t look so sad! We’ll do other stuff in here, too. If you’re good … and I mean really good … then maybe, just maaaaaaaybe … you can try your little hands at logo design.

Because that’s what employers tell us they want, Cindy. And currently they are not happy with the drawing skills of our graduates. You should hear them bellow. They’re like: WHY CAN’T STUDENTS DRAW IN THE EXACT WAY I WANT THEM TO DRAW? When I first heard this complaint, I was like: Who died and made you principal?

Boy, was that the wrong response. It was like I peed in the water fountain. Literally everyone was like, Jesus, Fenster, did you forget that the whole purpose of school is to get these little goons a job someday? Quit pissing off the business community before you end up living under a viaduct in a decoupaged box.

Box life is not for me, so I came up with nine fresh ways to teach drawing and put it all together in a pop-up book. The business community took one look at how thick the book was, and said SUMMARIZE.

So I started to summarize, and they said BOTTOM-LINE IT. And I paused, because, like … how?

They pushed the book aside and said, BACK TO BASICS, FENSTER. 

So. Here we are. Basics, Cindy. You’ll make it through. If you’re very good, and very dedicated, and very tough. You know what they say: What doesn’t kill you …

Now where are those fucking crayons?